Do What I Don't Want to Do

Playing review games with a classroom full of 4th graders was one of my favorite parts of teaching.  What knowledge was learned, now became part of a competition.  Nothing was more satisfying than adding points to your team’s total in order to win.  Winning the chance to run to the swings first or get a drink of water before the others was not the true prize, but the proud moment of realizing you had enough to come out on top. 

During one of these games a young student, Vanessa, blurted out something that caught me quite off guard.  Bouncy free curls framed the tan face of this vibrant student.  Colorful stickers covered her notebooks and desk.  Always organized, homework finished and surrounded by friends because she was as enjoyable as the heart dotted “I’s” on her papers.  This sweet girl yelled with all her might, “It was not fair!”  I was stunned as this loud angry accusation came out of her mouth. 

Now, in my classroom there were very few reasons that would place you sitting on the ground outside the classroom door.  Lacking respect to the teacher was number one.  As I pointed to the door, not saying a word, Vanessa put her head down and sheepishly walked out.  One of the other students said, “Can you believe her?  She never does anything wrong in class.”  It was what I was thinking, but there was no way I should say those words out loud.  Giving the students a few pages to read, I walked to the open door to find Vanessa sitting on the ground with her head in her hands. 

Together we walked over to a shady spot under the big Flamboyant tree in the school courtyard.  As we sat down on the little brick wall, I asked my student, “What happened in there?”  I knew.  She knew.  Yet it was important for her to learn from this mistake.  I was ready to be the teacher, handle this in a mature way.  Taking a course in classroom management made me ready for moments like this, right?  Then she spoke. 

“Mrs. Vallette, sometimes I want to do the right thing, but then I choose to sin.  I don’t know where it comes from.  I don’t want to.  But I sin.  I need to stop.” 

Well, my heart froze.  The words flowing so honestly out of her mouth were almost more than my mind could comprehend.  She was reflecting the exact words of the Apostle Paul when he wrote in Romans 7:18 and 19 “I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature.  For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do – this I keep on doing.” 

The tears falling down her face demonstrated how she was broken by her choices.  Quiet time sitting outside of the classroom allowed Vanessa to examine her behavior and reactions. Continuing with a disrespectful attitude is not what she wanted. Her desire was to be the best student she could be.

Shouldn’t we all be more like this?  To admit our wrong doing requires a chosen moment to see ourselves as we really are (Psalm 32).  An honest look within will allow the unwise motivations to be identified (James 1:19-27). A true examination of words will reveal where the battle of good and evil is being fought (I John 1:5-2:2) These action steps may bring pain and tears for a time, but without them, turning away from sinful habits will not become reality.

Can we be like Vanessa, broken by and honest about our heart and sinful choices?

Lean in….take an honest look.